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Holidays and food

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Author Topic: Holidays and food  (Read 295 times)
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« on: December 07, 2008, 06:33:46 pm »
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14 Holiday Commandments

When thou bakest the holiday goodies, thou will treat thyself to some of the goodly ones and not just to the slightly burnt ones that ye would be too embarrassed to giveth unto others.

Yea, though ye walk through the mall on Dec. 24, ye shall not buy any singing fish, nor any pull-my-finger gags, no matter how desperate thou art to find something for thy brother-in-law.

When thy child's school doth gear up for another fund-raising sale of holiday wrapping paper, think ye of the thirty-seven unused rolls hiding in your closet and buy another five rolls as thou always dost.

When I regift unto you, and it turns out to be something you gave unto me, lo, these many years ago, just put it away to give unto me again next year. Have faith in this most venerable truth: I will never remember.

When I writest the holiday newsletter and proclaim that I have been asked to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, refrain from recalling my memorable turn massacring "Like a Virgin" at the high school talent show.

Nor will ye tie onto thy animals reindeer antlers or bells that doth jingle. Thine husband, however, art fair game.

Thou shalt not partake in the wearing of the matching mother-daughter outfits until someone figures out how to make the mother not looketh like a veritable idiot.

Thou shalt not wear holiday theme sweaters. Verily, no Santas, Rudolphs, snowmen, nor elves. Especially elves.

When thou deck the halls, I say unto you, the tinsel must be placed one strand at a time. Except when thine husband turns his back, then ye may throw it on in clumps and no shame shall be upon ye.

Thou shalt gain weight over the holidays. It is the way of all flesh. Get thee over it.

I say unto you: No holiday decoration may be put up sooner than two weeks before the Great Day, and all must be taken down before the next Thanksgiving. Verily.

When thee and thine husband agree not to exchange of the presents this year, hold this truth most dear: He really isn't going to giveth anything unto you.

Thou shalt buy thyself one really great present and open it up in front of the family, exclaiming, "I love it! But there be no card! Who giveth this unto me?" Wait to see if anyone art snarky enough to claim credit.

Thou shalt have health, grace, and peace in the new year. Even if thou art an elf.
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2008, 06:37:04 pm »
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Subject: Food Rules

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg- nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2008, 06:40:30 pm »
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and Man Gained Pounds

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created fast food.  And fast food brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate,
nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and
shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.

And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak in the restaurant so
big it needed its own platter.  And Man gained pounds, and his
bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."  And God
brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them.  And he created sour
cream dip also.  And Man clutched his remote control and ate the
potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.  And Satan saw and said,
"It is good."  And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....

And Satan created HMOs...
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