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Actual Housing Complaints

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Author Topic: Actual Housing Complaints  (Read 339 times)
Swing Voter
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« on: February 14, 2009, 07:44:54 pm »
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1.  And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

2.  My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it. 

3.  Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.   

4.  I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 

5.  Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 

6.  The man next door has a large **** in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 
7.  The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 
8.  I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 
9.  I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 
10.  Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant? 
11.  He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
12.  I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
13.  Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 
14.  I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction. 
15.  I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 
16.  I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 

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Swing Voter
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2009, 07:45:46 pm »
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.  Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing.
"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2009, 07:47:15 pm »
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A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Found in a women's restroom.

Make love, not war. Heck, do both - get married !
Found in a women's restroom.

You're too good for him.
Over a women's restroom mirror.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Found in a men's restroom.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
Over a men's restroom mirror.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Over a men's restroom mirror.

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
Over a urinal.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Over a urinal.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. 
Beauty is only a light switch away. 
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If Bush were captain of the Titantic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. 
If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress !
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
Never argue with Idiots. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. 
Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.
The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shall not commit adulthood.

To do is to be. (Descartes)
To be is to do. (Voltaire)
Do be do be do. (Sinatra)
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« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2009, 07:48:40 pm »
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Truism (troo'iz'm) n. A statement the truth of which is obvious or well known; commonplace.
When many people think of truisms, they think of Jenny Holzer (Born 1950 in Gallipolis, Ohio. Lives and works in Hoosick, New York.). We have comingled many statements that are attributed to her with our own.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
A little knowledge can go a long way (JH)
A lot of professionals are crackpots (JH)
A man can't know what it is to be a mother (JH)
A name means a lot just by itself (JH)
A positive attitude means all the difference in the world (JH)
A relaxed man is not necessarily a better man (JH)
A sense of timing is the mark of genius (JH)
A sincere effort is all you can ask (JH)
A single event can have infinitely many interpretations (JH)
A solid home base builds a sense of self (JH)
A strong sense of duty can imprison you (JH)
Absolute submission can be a form of freedom (JH)
Abuse of power comes as no surprise (JH)
Action causes more trouble than thought (JH)
Alienation produces eccentrics or revolutionaries (JH)
All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organization to live beyond its income.
All things are delicately interconnected (JH)
Ambition is just as dangerous as complacency (JH)
Ambivalence can ruin your life (JH)
An elite is inevitable (JH)
Anger or hate can be a useful motivating force (JH)
Artificial desires are despoiling the earth (JH)
At times inactivity is preferable to mindless functioning (JH)
Being happy is more important than anything else (JH)
Boredom makes you do crazy things (JH)
Calm is more conductive to creativity than is anxiety (JH)
Categorizing fear is calming (JH)
Change is valuable when the oppressed become tyrants (JH)
Children are the hope of the future (JH)
Class structure is as artificial as plastic (JH)
Decency is a relative thing (JH)
Deviants are sacrificed to increase group solidarity (JH)
Disorganization is a kind of anesthesia (JH)
Drama often obscures the real issues (JH)
Dying and coming back gives you considerable perspective (JH)
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines
Emotional responses ar as valuable as intellectual responses (JH)
Even your family can betray you (JH)
Every achievement requires a sacrifice (JH)
Everyone's work is equally important (JH)
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Fake or real indifference is a powerful personal weapon (JH)
Fear is the greatest incapacitator (JH)
Go all out in romance and let the chips fall where they may (JH)
Going with the flow is soothing but risky (JH)
He who hesitates is last.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Ideals are replaced by conventional goals at a certain age (JH)
Ignoring enemies is the best way to fight (JH)
Inside every large problem there is a small problem struggling to get out.
It can be helpful to keep going no matter what (JH)
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to be a good person than a famous person (JH)
It's better to be naive than jaded (JH)
It's good to give extra money to charity (JH)
Just believing something can make it happen (JH)
Justice always prevails....three times out of seven.
Keep something in reserve for emergencies (JH)
Knowing yourself lets you understand others (JH)
Listen when your body talks (JH)
Manual labor can be refreshing and wholesome (JH)
Most jobs are marginally better than daytime TV.
Mostly you should mind your own business (JH)
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
People are not in touch with reality, if they think they are important (JH)
Politics is used for personal gain (JH)
Potential counts for nothing until it's realized (JH)
Pursuing pleasure for the sake of pleasure will ruin you (JH)
Push yourself to the limit as often as possible (JH)
Salvation can't be bought and sold (JH)
Selflessness is the highest achievement (JH)
Sex differences are here to stay (JH)
Talking is used to hide one's inability to act (JH)
The cruelest disappointment is when you let yourself down (JH)
The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
The longer the title the less important the job.
The most profound things are inexpressible (JH)
The new is nothing but a restatement of the old (JH)
The sum of your actions determines what you are (JH)
The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a dog sled team.  No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
When something terrible happens people wake up (JH)
Wishing things away is not effective (JH)
With perseverance you can discover any truth (JH)
Worrying can help you prepare (JH)
You can't expect people to be something they're not (JH)
You can't fool others if you're fooling yourself (JH)
You don't know what's what until you support yourself (JH)
You owe the world not the other way around
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Swing Voter
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« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2009, 07:50:15 pm »
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Real Ads 

The following are 86 real ads—classified and otherwise—published in newspapers across the USA

 Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.
 American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.
 Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
 Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
 Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
 Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
 Wanted: Used paint.
 Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.
 1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
 Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
 Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
 Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
 Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
 Lose all your weight, only $49.
 Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
 Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
 Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
 For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
 One man, seven women hot tub. $850 or best offer.
 Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
 Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.
 Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
 German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
 Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
 Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
 Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.
 Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
 Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
 Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
 Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.
 Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
 Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100 percent Italian leather.
 Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.
 Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
 Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
 Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
 A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
 Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
 For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
 For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
 Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
 Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
 Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
 We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
 No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
 For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
 For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
 Great Dames for sale.
 Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
 Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
 Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
 Vacation special—have your home exterminated.
 Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
 The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
 Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.
 Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
 Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
 Stock up and save. Limit: one.
 Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
 We build bodies that last a lifetime.
 This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
 For rent—six-room hated apartment.
 Man, honest. Will take anything.
 Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
 Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
 Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
 Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
 Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
 Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
 Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
 Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
 Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
 Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
 See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!
 Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
 Illiterate? Write today for free help.
 Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
 Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
 Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
 Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.
 Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
 And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
 We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
 Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
 Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
 Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. 

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« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2009, 07:51:57 pm »
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“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’  ".

 Eleanor Roosevelt
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”

 George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
 Victor Borge
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
 Mark Twain
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
 Mark Twain
“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”
 Les Dawson
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
 Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”

 Jimmy Durante
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”

 Jilly Cooper
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”

“I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”

 Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”

 Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”

 Ed Furgol
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

 Spike Milligan
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”

 Mark Twain
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
 Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”

 Bob Hope
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”

 W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”

 George Burns
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”

“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”

Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
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