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Jokes of the Day

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Swing Voter
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« on: November 01, 2008, 01:12:49 pm »

The Man And The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"
"I'll ! have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."  The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amout of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Tommy Cooper.

1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft
and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. A guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start!'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round. 'The other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

George W. Bush Solutions for Global Warming

10. NASA mission to turn down the sun's thermostat

9. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos

8. Fast track Rumsfeld's "Colonize Neptune" proposal

7. Convene Blue-Ribbon Committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem

6. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over

5. I dunno -- tax cuts for the rich?

4. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone

3. Switch to Celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37

2. Keep plenty of Bud on ice

1. Invade Antarctica

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« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2008, 01:15:06 pm »

I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the  cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I  have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice,
really nice!!

       *     *     *     *     *
The government recently calculated the cost of  raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with  $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about
sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college  tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.  It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a  month, or $171.08 a week.  That's a mere $24.34 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.  What do your get for your $160,140?
Naming rights.  First, middle, and last!

Glimpses of God every day.

Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the footpath in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play
hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Father Christmas. 

 You have an excuse to keep:
Reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
Watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.

 You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and
flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect
spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for  retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike,  removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a footy team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human
sexuality that no uni can match.

 In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. (so try to live up to it)
You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

A nun was going to Chicago. While waiting for her flight she noticed one of those weight machines that also tells your fortune. She thought to herself " I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

She went over to the machine and put in a coin and out came a card. It said, ‘You are a nun, you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put in another coin. Out came a card that said, "You are a nun, you weigh a 128lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that’s wrong I’ve never played a musical instrument in my life. She sat back down and along came a cowboy carrying a fiddle. He put the instrument down next to her. She picked it up and begin to play beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, " This is incredible She put in a coin and out came a card that said, " You are a nun, you’re going to chicago, you weigh 128lbs, and you are going to break wind.

Now the nun knows the machine is wrong "I’ve never broke wind in public in my life."

Well she tripped fell off the scale and broke wind. Stunned, she looked at the machine and said to herself, ""his is truly unbelievable. I've got to try it again."

She put another coin in the machine, collected the card and it said, "You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and now you’ve missed your flight to Chicago.

The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

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« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2008, 01:19:06 pm »

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they
were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near
the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor
noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he
would shake his head no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The
men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake
my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

50 Fun Things to Do In an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, admit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It’s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you’re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you’re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, asks: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I’ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You’re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it’s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

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« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2008, 01:20:22 pm »

Different Ways To Say, “You’re Stupid”

• A few clowns short of a circus.   
• A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
• A few beers short of a six-pack.
• Dumber than a box of hair.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
• One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.
• All foam, no beer.
• The cheese slid off her cracker.
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
• Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• As smart as bait.
• Chimney's clogged.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
• Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
• Forgot to pay her brain bill.
• Her sewing machine's out of thread.
• His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
• His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
• If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• No grain in the silo.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Several nuts short of a full pouch.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Slinky's kinked.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• The lights are on, but nobody's home.
• 24 cents short of a quarter.
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« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2008, 01:21:09 pm »

Satan's sister

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Girls Should Know
20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know

1. We're not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don't treat us like garbage - what goes around comes around.

6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.

8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.

9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.

10. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, 'NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

12. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something wrong.

13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

14. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

15. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

17. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.

18. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.

19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.

20. We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway

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« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2008, 01:24:09 pm »

Old Indian

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

Bloody nose

There was a man who had a problem getting an **** so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.

The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an ****.

The man takes the doctors advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.

After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full ****.

He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news.

He wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose."

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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2008, 01:28:12 pm »

No silly!

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.

To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
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« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2008, 05:12:14 am »

Messican Style

A Mexican from El Paso found himself in Lubbock and decided to approach a prostitute down on 17th and R.
He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
"$100," she replied.

"Do you do Messican-style?" he asked.
Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.
He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style."

Again she declined.
Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you $500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could Messican-style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?"

The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check."
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« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2008, 05:24:35 am »


Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."
Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right. Just look how much he loves his mother."

A joke soooo bad

that it's good...

 Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.  Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.  Horrified, Christian immediately swam
away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring
& lonely.  All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to
them.  Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.
Whilst swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.  He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail.  (The punch line does not involve a prawn
cocktail - it is much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old
pal.  "Where's Christian?" he asked.  "He's at home, still distraught that
his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", was the
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.  As he opened the coral gate, memories came
flooding back.  He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me.  You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not.  That was the old me.  I've changed..."
"I was a shark, but I saw Cod, now I'm a prawn again Christain".

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« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2008, 05:28:31 am »



1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-arsed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... it's like humor, but different.

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused.
One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.

"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.
"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."
"Would it help to just write it down?"
The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.
The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note.
He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.
The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."
"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
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« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2008, 05:34:29 am »

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court.
Clarence Darrow 

The trouble with law is lawyers.
Clarence Darrow 


I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.

Roy Cohn 


Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer:

A: All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

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« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2008, 05:36:32 am »

The world's Funniest Joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?
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« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2008, 05:39:23 am »

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for seven years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe pitch, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "i'm here to feed the aligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
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« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2008, 11:44:40 am »

politician going to mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.
  The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
  "A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."
  The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
  He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
  The last applicant was an politician.
  When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
  "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
  The Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1million, and we'll give the engineer $1 million and send him to Mars."

There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
But **** up and drowned it
And now his future is past

There was once a man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He put it in the double
And instead of coming he went.

There once was a man from Bombay
who made a c*nt out of clay
He stuck in his dick,
the thing turned to brick
and he scraped his foreskin away.

Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her ****
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

There was a young girl of Dumfries
Who said to her boyfriend 'Oh, please,
It will give me great bliss
If you play more with THIS
And give less attention to THESE.'

There once was a lass from Wilts
She came walking into Scotland upon stilts
They said "Madam it's shocking
You reveal so much stocking"
She said "Yea, well how about those kilts?"

campaigning in a rural area

A politician was campaigning in a rural area. Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow.
  He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"
  "Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
  "In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

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« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2008, 11:46:31 am »

A Genie, Laden and Bush

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
  "I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," said
  the genie.
  The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
  With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
  Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
  Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
  George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."
  The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
  George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

Special Postage Stamp

A politician wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.
  The stamps were duly released and he was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.
  He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.
  The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

Ugga Bugga or Death

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes.
  The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga."
  The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga."
  The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary.
  The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga."
  He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death."
  The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!

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