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Bad Taste Jokes

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« on: November 01, 2008, 10:06:37 am »
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...  This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a blue suit.
He asks, Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing? But, she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a check to buy one.
When she came back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it costs.
He says, "Actually it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow if she would mind if her husband were to be buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

So.... I switched the heads"

...  A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said

"Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."



...  There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine.She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find what a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't getinvolved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...........

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
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« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2008, 10:09:34 am »
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Russian Roulette

...  The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

Cheating Husband


A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Iraq a few months ago.

So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home.

He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong.

After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce." 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.
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« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2008, 10:15:45 am »
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Hammer Homicide


The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Wal-Mart Clerk


A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

Teacher's Pet

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is ? it's some flowers!"

"That's right!", shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is ? it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?", she asked.

"No", the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?", she asked.

"No", the boy answered.

"What is it?"

"A puppy!"

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« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2008, 10:48:38 am »
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Literal ****!

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives **** at them.

They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said, 'Why don't you burn the whole house down?' That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. My wife said, 'Why don't you tear the whole car apart?' It took me all night."

The third guy said, "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said, 'Cut that out!'"

He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

Blind Lumber Man

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.

The boss didn't want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he'd hire him.

He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, "How did he do that?"

Next he took him to a pile of 2x4's. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.

They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.

The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.

Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said "You think you've got me, don't you? Well I know what that is.

That's the **** house door off of a tuna boat!

Bad Gums


There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."

The boy listened intently to his father's advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shies away.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there" replied the young man.

"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts.

"Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."
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« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2008, 10:50:57 am »
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Mental Hospital

Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Jones nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

Stomach Complaint

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
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« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2008, 12:34:13 am »
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My dorky ex-roommate Pierre
Once fell asleep in my chair
I pulled out my unit
Proceeded to tune it
And fired my load in his hair

There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"

There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."

There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her c*nt with a terrier.

There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied didn't he?

On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham
Dreaming of **** and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the c*nts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em
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« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2008, 12:36:14 am »
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There was an old woman from leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn`t for fame,
or love of the game
but to get at the cheese underneath.

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."

While bathing a student named Hume
Read a novel called "Sex in the Gloom",
On arriving the dope,
Skidded once on some soap
And pole-vaulted right out of the room.

There once was a lady named Flo
Whose lava had poured out too slow,
So they tried it all night,
Till they got it just right,
Well practice makes pregnant you know.

Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.

There once was a girl from Nantucket.
Her boyfriend was about to up-chuck it.
she said with a grin,
wipe that cum from your chin.
I told you it's my job to suck it!

Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with

Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"

There was a lady from University
Who was the sole of perversity
She was into candles
And all manner of scandals
And sexual positions in diversity

There once was a young barmaid from Wales
On her breasts were written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The prices were tatooed in braille
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« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2008, 12:38:30 am »
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Hickory dickory doc!
In ten seconds you'll be sucking my ****!
So think very quick!
As I whip out my dick!
Hickory dickory doc!

There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.

There was young man from Crete
Who could shoot across the street
A chemist named Kelly
Would bottle the jelly
And sell it as 'Extract of Meat'.

There was a young girl of the Azores
Whose c*nt was covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers

There was a man named Moulder
who tried it to through a boulder
instead he tripped on a rock
and grasped his own ****
and threw himself over his shoulder.

There was a young fellow named Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond!

There once was a man named Bob
He loved to show off his nob
He flashed it at Dave
And rubbed it on Jay
Who sucked it like corn on the cob

There once was a woman named Jess
Bisexual, she would confess
She loved a good dick
but **** she'd lick
and leave both a wet gooey mess

There once was a woman from Blight
Her speed was much faster than light
I can now say
I **** her today
And she came sometime last night

A well-partied co-ed named Dawn,
when asked what conclusion sheíd drawn,
Said, "I was having a ball...
But I just canít recall
this tattoo... or where all my pubic hairís gone!!"
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« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2008, 12:40:00 am »
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There once was a girl who couldn't ****,
Because she kept playing with 'er clit.
The doctor said 'stop!'.
So she pulled off her top,
And started to play with her tit!

There once was a girl from Belize
Who could put fruit in her c*nt with ease
If you're drinking some tea
When she has to pee
Just ask "Some lemon juice, please"

There was a man from Nantucket
Whose **** was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a c*nt I could **** it!

There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding her bike
On a cobblestone pike
But it really was broken from pokin'!!!

There was a goucho named Bruno
Who said, "about ****, I do know,.."
That women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
But llamas are numero uno!!!"

There was a young woman from Ealing
Who has a peculiar feeling,
She lay on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a man from the cape
Who **** a barbarian ape
The ape said you fool
You **** up my tool
And put all my arse out of shape

There was a young man from Spartar,
Who was an incredible farter.
At the strength of one bean,
He could play "God Save the Queen",
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Senata".
The selection was tough, I admit.
He didn't stutter one little bit.
He threw his arse aloft,
And he suddenly coughed.
And collapsed in a shower of ****!

The Duchess when pouring the tea,
Asked "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you ****?"
And I think that was one up to me

Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's OK, but the mole's ill.

An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of **** --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.

There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.

There was a young **** from kaloo
Who filled her **** with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
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« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2008, 12:41:04 am »
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There was a young man from Peru,
who fell asleep in his canoe,
while dreaming of Venus,
he played with his ****
and woke up covered in goo.

A young redneck lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.

There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn't he.

A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
Had achieved some renown
For her tone going down -
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.

The last time I dined with the King
He did a most curious thing.
He sat on a stool,
Took out his tool,
And said, "if I play will you sing?"
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« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2008, 12:43:39 am »
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There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a c*nt,
And was **** by a dog in the hall.

There once was a man named Ray
Who fashioned a c*nt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away

there was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the **** thing broke
and whiped his balls to cream

Here's to the girl named Louise
Who's pubic hair hung to her knees
the crabs came together,
and knitted a sweater
so in Winter her c*nt would not freeze!

I know of a **** boy Matt
Who played with a vampire bat
With his dick in his hand
His voice did command
"Try sucking the blood out of that!"

A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
Look just like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day."

A soldier known only as Sarge
Had sex with a **** named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her c*nt
And gave her a hon'rable discharge.

There once was a woman from Arden
Who was seen sucking a man in the garden
Her mother said, "Flo,
Where does it all go??
And she said, "Gulp, Beg your pardon?"

There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman's can.

The bribe that young streetwalker Stover
Employs as a sexual rover
Is-to hand-job police.
As she gives one release,
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"

A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
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