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T3h PwnZ012
T3h 0ol71/\/\8 Pw/\/2o/2
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T3h 0ol71/\/\8 Pw/\/2o/2


« on: December 29, 2008, 03:33:07 am »
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Hello assholes!

Post h33r ass many cockjokes ass you can.
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<****=YOU=MOTHERFUCKER=>

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« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2009, 04:08:30 pm »
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The cat could very well be manís best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
- Doug Larson

There is something about the presence of a catÖ that seems to take the bite out of being alone.
- Louis J. Camuti

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
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« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2009, 04:10:39 pm »
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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."


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« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2009, 04:13:29 pm »
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A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!"

"I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself."

"I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket."

"The hell you did?!" replied the priest.




  Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"





 Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"


The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."





 O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.

At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."



 


The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.

Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."



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« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2009, 04:16:03 pm »
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Are YOU a Problem Thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then just to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I cold read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent the night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me alot to think about.

I cam home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are alot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.


H. Mumford Jones
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« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2009, 04:19:52 pm »
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Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;

1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


 
This Is Good
=============

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend
with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at
every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or
negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting
expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the
king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in
preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his
friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.
Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual,
"This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!"
and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he
should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and
took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some
wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend.
He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so, I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'?

How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."

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« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2009, 04:49:43 pm »
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Digging
 
Two brothers once decided to dig a deep hole behind their house. As they were working, a couple of other boys stopped by to
watch.

"What are you doing?" asked one of the visitors.

"We're going to dig a hole all the way through the earth!" one of the brothers volunteered excitedly.

The other boys began to laugh, telling the brothers that digging a hole all the way through the earth was impossible. After a long silence, one of the diggers picked up a jar full of spiders, worms, insects and interesting stones. He removed the lid and showed the wonderful contents to the scoffing visitors.

Then he said confidently, "Even if we don't dig all the way through the earth, look what we found along the way!"

Their goal was far too ambitious, but it did cause them to dig. That is what a goal is for, to cause us to move in the direction we have chosen. In other words, to set us to digging!

But not every goal will be fully achieved. Not every job will end successfully. Not every relationship will endure. Not every hope will come to pass. Not every love will last. Not every endeavor will be completed. Not every dream will be realized.

But when you fall short of your aim, perhaps you can say, "Yes, but look at what I found along the way! Look at the wonderful things which have come into my life because I tried to do something!"

It is in the digging that life is lived, and it is the joy in the journey that truly matters!


 Five Hundred Bucks

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?"

With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"

In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
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« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2009, 04:50:56 pm »
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Cars

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on when it's going."
 

Guts and Balls

The difference between Guts and Balls can be defined as follows:
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and saying, "You're next."



Brazilian

A guy was reading a newspaper on the subway and the headline said "12 Brazilians Killed".
A lady next to him said "Wow! How many is a Brazilian?"
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« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2009, 04:52:03 pm »
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Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
 
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
 
Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.
 
Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
 
Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over
and beg.
 
Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
 
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.
 
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
 
Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
 
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
 
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
 
Q: WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE AUSTRALIA?
A: They're both down under, and no one cares.
 
Q: WHY DOES A BLONDE LIKE THE NUMBER 77?
A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more.
 
Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.
 
Q: WHY CAN'T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
 
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
 
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
A: Who cares?
 
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
 
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
 
Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.
 
Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float
 
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
 
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.
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« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2009, 04:53:21 pm »
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Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.
 
Q: What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
 
Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost
their popularity?
A: B.J.
 
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
 
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
 
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
 
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
 
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
 
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
 
Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.
 
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm sooo drunk!"
 
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
 
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond **** going to leave!?
 
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
 
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
 
Q: WHAT IS BLONDE AND GREEN AND JUMPS FROM BED TO BED?
A: A prostitoad.
 
Q: WHAT IS 68 TO A BLONDE?
A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
 
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
 
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
 
Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.
 
Q: Why did the blonde with a big **** douche with crest?
A: She heard that it reduces cavities.
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« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2009, 03:14:55 am »
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Bush Talking


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last
time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the
wilderness



Diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using ****.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better
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