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Author Topic: Play on words  (Read 91 times)
rsh
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« on: December 07, 2008, 01:42:26 pm »
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He stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.  Then it
 dawned on him.
 
 Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was
 resisting a rest.
 
 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's
 all right now.
 
 The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
 
 To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
 
 When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
 
 The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
 at large.
 
 A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
 A thief fell in wet cement.  He became a hardened criminal.
 
 Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
 
 We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

 When the smog lifts in Hollywood, U C L A.
 
 The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
 on it.
 
 The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
 shaky ground.
 
 The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
 
 If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
 
 A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 
 What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway)
 
 I'm tired of sit-ups...  The waist is a terrible thing to mind!
 
 Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
 
 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully covered.
 
 You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
 He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
 
 A calendar's days are numbered.
 
 A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
 
 A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
 A plateau is a high form of flattery.
 
 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
 
 When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
 
 When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
 
 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
 
 Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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rsh
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2008, 01:44:04 pm »
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1.  Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and
  get married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the
  reception was excellent.
 
2.  Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.  One says
  "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you
  sure?"  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
 
3.  A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The
  bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
  anything."
 
4.  Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a  salted.
 
5.  A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender
  says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."   

 
 6.  A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
  7.  A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt  under
his arm and says:  "A beer please, and one for the road."

8.  Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to
  the other:  "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
9.  "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
  Grass of Home.'"  "That sounds like Tom Jones
  Syndrome."  "Is it common?"  Doc says "It's Not
  Unusual."
 
10.  Two cows standing next to each other in a
  field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
  inseminated this morning."  "I don't believe you,"
  said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
 
11.  An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
  The kids were nothing to look at either.
 
12.  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
 "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
  at him."  So he picks the dog up and examines his
  eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, "I'm
  going to have to put him down."  "What? Because he's
  cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's really heavy."
 
13.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
  other day but I couldn't find any.   

 
 14.  I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
  him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
  top shelf.  He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
 
15.  I went to a seafood disco last week... and
  pulled a mussel.
 
16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.
 
17.  Two termites walk into a bar.  One asks, "Is
  the bar tender here?" 
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2008, 01:45:18 pm »
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   1.   ARBITRATOR:   A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

   2.   AVOIDABLE:   What a bullfighter tried to do

   3.   BERNADETTE:   The act of torching a mortgage

   4.   BURGLARIZE:   What a crook sees with

   5.   CONTROL:     A short, ugly inmate

   6.   COUNTERFEITERS:   Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

   7.   ECLIPSE:     What an English barber does for a living

   8.   EYEDROPPER:  A clumsy ophthalmologist

   9.   HEROES:     What a guy in a boat does

10.   LEFTBANK:   What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11.   MISTY:   How golfers create divots

12.   PARADOX:   Two physicians

13.   PARASITES:   What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14.   PHARMACIST:   A helper on the farm

15.   POLARIZE:   What penguins see with

16.   PRIMATE:   Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17.   RELIEF:   What trees do in the spring

18.   RUBBERNECK:   What you do to relax your wife

19.  SELFISH:   What the owner of a seafood store does

20.  SUDAFED:   Brought litigation against a government official
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« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2008, 01:46:41 pm »
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. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted 'Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!' The doctor calmly responded, 'Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.'

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, 'Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?'

5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, 'We have
absolutely nothing to go on.'

6. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: 'He who has a Tates is lost!'

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, 'The thong is ended but the malady lingers on,'

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. By the way, I know the guy who wrote those 10 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2008, 01:51:44 pm »
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1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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