Xtra Smileys
Flame Damnation
August 02, 2021, 07:46:10 pm
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
  Home Help Arcade Gallery Links Login Register  

Saturday's Jokes

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Reply  |  New Topic  |  Print  
Author Topic: Saturday's Jokes  (Read 159 times)
Swing Voter
Hero Member
Offline Offline

Posts: 11002

Tortured Artist

« on: November 09, 2008, 11:56:36 am »
Reply with quoteQuote

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Edinburgh for a holiday.
Last year when one flea got to Edinburgh , he was shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so much?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from Aberdeen in the moustache of a bloke on a motorbike."
The other flea answers saying, "I cant think of a worse way to travel.
Try what I do. Go to bar at Aberdeen Airport . Have a few drinks.
While you are there, look for a nice stewardess.
Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy.
It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Edinburgh he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Aberdeen Airport bar.
I had a few drinks from puddles on the tables. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in.
I leaped right over and crawled right up to where it's warm and cozy. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the bloke on the motorbike!!!"


There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day
his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly
acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.

So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out
on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant
count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a
teacher will get mad at you for it.

Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his
pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things
when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to pay at the tills, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me,"
she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.
It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would
make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called
out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
When he got to the till he saw that his total was £62.50. "How can that be?"
he asked, "I only bought a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the assistant. 

Bozo Criminals

Rothsay, Scotland - Three bozos were on their way to attempt to rob the local branch of the Bank of Scotland. Their problems began at the front door, which they had trouble negotiating. In a scene that sounds as though it should have come from an old Three Stooges episode, the three somehow managed to get themselves stuck in the revolving doors and had to be freed by bank staff. At this point they sheepishly left the building to regroup.

They then entered the bank a second time, getting past the doors and going straight for the teller, who recognized them and just laughed when they demanded money. To show her he meant business, one of the bozos jumped onto the counter but slipped and fell to the floor, clutching his badly sprained ankle.

Seeing that things were going downhill fast, the other two bozos headed for the door. Yes, that door. And yes, they got stuck in it again. And they succeeded in remaining stuck there until the police arrived.


Vinny and Maria get married. Vinny has this horrible habit of always picking
his nose, which Maria figures she can correct once that ole ring goes on his

After 2 months of marriage Maria cannot take it a minute longer and drags
Vinny to a therapist. The therapist asks Vinny to wait in the outer room so
Maria can speak freely.

Maria explains how Vinny's constant picking his nose is just too much to
bear any longer. And while she is at it, another thing is that Vinny will never
let Maria be on top when they have sex. Maria feels it must be a control

The therapist calls Vinny into the room, repeats what Maria has concerns
about and asks for his input as to why he feels the need to constantly pick
his nose, and always be the one on top during sex.

Vinny replies ‘When I left to come to this country, my father told me to
remember 2 things: always keep your nose clean and don't screw up’.


A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be
when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition
to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work
on Tuesdays!"   


Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he
had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally
discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he
hadn't seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and
yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart

The mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you
go play at the Jones's for a couple hours."

Report Spam   Logged

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Reply  |  New Topic  |  Print  
Jump to:  

Bookmark this site!
Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines
Privacy Policy