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caskur™
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« on: November 08, 2008, 01:47:02 am »
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on its head."



***************************************************************

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer.

Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer.

The following morning, as the inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard.

The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions."

The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."   



A little boy went up to his dad and said "Dad, I don't understand the difference between potential and reality".

The Dad said, "Okay son, I will show you the difference. Firstly go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Bitt for £1 million."

The little boy slightly confused said "Okay" and went to see his mother. He asked his mother, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your Dad, but yes I would."The little boy said, "Okay then" and went to find his sister.

He said to his sister "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million" His sister replied, "Yes I would!!!!"

The little boy went back to his Dad and said "Dad, I now understand what the diference is between potential and reality". His Dad replied, "I am glad son, explain it to me."

The little boy replied "Well, potentially we are sitting on £2 million but in reality we live with two slags!!!!"

**************************************************

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist's office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."


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caskur™
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« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2008, 01:53:37 am »
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"The Good Samaritan"

A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked

around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said

to himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something."

He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride home." He

picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop

the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down!

When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to

get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!

Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the

drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car.

He dragged him up the steps, and propped him up against the railing so he

could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down!

Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your

husband home for you."

She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his

wheelchair?"

********************************************************


A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several

months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like

best is that the customer is always wrong."



A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"

"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought about it for a moment then took her foot and stamped

them flat. "Well, we're not having any of THAT in OUR garden."


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« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2008, 01:54:51 am »
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Man walking down the street noticed a street vendor with a sign FROGS

FOR SALE.. "greatest blow job you will ever have”.

The man approached and the vendor said, trust me, these frogs give the

best blow job you will ever get. The man proceeded home with his new

purchase.

About 3am the man’s wife was awakened by strange noises and a light

coming from the kitchen. She arose to investigate. When she looked in the

kitchen she was amazed to see pots and pans scattered all over,

cookbooks opened, her husband frying a steak, and the frog up on the

counter watching her husband.

She asked "what the hell are you doing”.

He replied "as soon as I teach this frog to cook.......you`re outa here!!

********************************************************

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head

covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without

her head covering.

The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later,

the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest

says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your

wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.

"Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must

wear a blouse to enter this church!"



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« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2008, 01:56:46 am »
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A Rude Drunk

 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to
them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best
**** in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off
and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,
"I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the
bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to
them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best
**** in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off
and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,
"I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the
bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"


********************************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the
flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"




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« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2008, 02:00:31 am »
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There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day
his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly
acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.

So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out
on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant
count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a
teacher will get mad at you for it.

Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his
pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."


********************************************************

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things
when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to pay at the tills, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me,"
she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.
It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for
you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would
make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called
out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
When he got to the till he saw that his total was £62.50. "How can that be?"
he asked, "I only bought a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the assistant. 


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« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2008, 11:34:57 am »
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Tough Order


A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"

********************************************************

Fall out of...


During a friendly argument, Jim asked his wife why she married him in the first place.

"I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she was surprised and requested an explanation.

"Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."



Lunch Date

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

********************************************************

Reading

Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice.

The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

She replied, "This year, I can read."
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« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2008, 11:42:14 am »
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Lesson on Circulation


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A voice from the back of the room shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

********************************************************


Bozo Criminals


Rothsay, Scotland - Three bozos were on their way to attempt to rob the local branch of the Bank of Scotland. Their problems began at the front door, which they had trouble negotiating. In a scene that sounds as though it should have come from an old Three Stooges episode, the three somehow managed to get themselves stuck in the revolving doors and had to be freed by bank staff. At this point they sheepishly left the building to regroup.

They then entered the bank a second time, getting past the doors and going straight for the teller, who recognized them and just laughed when they demanded money. To show her he meant business, one of the bozos jumped onto the counter but slipped and fell to the floor, clutching his badly sprained ankle.

Seeing that things were going downhill fast, the other two bozos headed for the door. Yes, that door. And yes, they got stuck in it again. And they succeeded in remaining stuck there until the police arrived.




Bozo Criminals



Rothsay, Scotland - Three bozos were on their way to attempt to rob the local branch of the Bank of Scotland. Their problems began at the front door, which they had trouble negotiating. In a scene that sounds as though it should have come from an old Three Stooges episode, the three somehow managed to get themselves stuck in the revolving doors and had to be freed by bank staff. At this point they sheepishly left the building to regroup.

They then entered the bank a second time, getting past the doors and going straight for the teller, who recognized them and just laughed when they demanded money. To show her he meant business, one of the bozos jumped onto the counter but slipped and fell to the floor, clutching his badly sprained ankle.

Seeing that things were going downhill fast, the other two bozos headed for the door. Yes, that door. And yes, they got stuck in it again. And they succeeded in remaining stuck there until the police arrived.


********************************************************

Great Female Combacks


Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?
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« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2008, 11:56:36 am »
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Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Edinburgh for a holiday.
Last year when one flea got to Edinburgh , he was shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so much?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from Aberdeen in the moustache of a bloke on a motorbike."
The other flea answers saying, "I cant think of a worse way to travel.
Try what I do. Go to bar at Aberdeen Airport . Have a few drinks.
While you are there, look for a nice stewardess.
Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy.
It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Edinburgh he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Aberdeen Airport bar.
I had a few drinks from puddles on the tables. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in.
I leaped right over and crawled right up to where it's warm and cozy. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the bloke on the motorbike!!!"


********************************************************


There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day
his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly
acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.

So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out
on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant
count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a
teacher will get mad at you for it.

Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his
pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."


********************************************************

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things
when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to pay at the tills, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me,"
she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.
It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for
you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would
make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called
out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
When he got to the till he saw that his total was £62.50. "How can that be?"
he asked, "I only bought a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the assistant. 






Bozo Criminals



Rothsay, Scotland - Three bozos were on their way to attempt to rob the local branch of the Bank of Scotland. Their problems began at the front door, which they had trouble negotiating. In a scene that sounds as though it should have come from an old Three Stooges episode, the three somehow managed to get themselves stuck in the revolving doors and had to be freed by bank staff. At this point they sheepishly left the building to regroup.

They then entered the bank a second time, getting past the doors and going straight for the teller, who recognized them and just laughed when they demanded money. To show her he meant business, one of the bozos jumped onto the counter but slipped and fell to the floor, clutching his badly sprained ankle.

Seeing that things were going downhill fast, the other two bozos headed for the door. Yes, that door. And yes, they got stuck in it again. And they succeeded in remaining stuck there until the police arrived.


********************************************************

Vinny and Maria get married. Vinny has this horrible habit of always picking
his nose, which Maria figures she can correct once that ole ring goes on his
finger.

After 2 months of marriage Maria cannot take it a minute longer and drags
Vinny to a therapist. The therapist asks Vinny to wait in the outer room so
Maria can speak freely.

Maria explains how Vinny's constant picking his nose is just too much to
bear any longer. And while she is at it, another thing is that Vinny will never
let Maria be on top when they have sex. Maria feels it must be a control
issue.

The therapist calls Vinny into the room, repeats what Maria has concerns
about and asks for his input as to why he feels the need to constantly pick
his nose, and always be the one on top during sex.

Vinny replies ‘When I left to come to this country, my father told me to
remember 2 things: always keep your nose clean and don't screw up’.


********************************************************

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be
when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition
to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work
on Tuesdays!"   

**********************************************************

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he
had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally
discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he
hadn't seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and
yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart
on!"

The mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you
go play at the Jones's for a couple hours."


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