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caskurô
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« on: November 02, 2008, 08:00:18 am »

The Blonde Kidnapper


Once upon a time a Blonde was hard up for money. 
She was too much of a blonde to think of something logical to do,
so she decided to kidnap a child for ransom.

So the next day she went to a nearby playground and when nobody was looking, she pulled a random kid behind a tree and said, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stood there in shock. The Blonde then pulled out a note that read:

"I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else."

She handed the note to the kid and told him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde found the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag was a little note that read:

"Here is the money.  How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"






An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead ****.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.   






A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the back door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.
 
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
 
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
 
"Did you help him?" she asks.
 
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
 
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
 
He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"
 
"Yes," comes back the answer.
 
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
 
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
 
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
 
"Over here on the Swing."     

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« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2008, 08:02:08 am »

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
 
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." 




Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
 
Sharon: "Ok."
 
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
 
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm from the waist down!"  





Announcements you don't want to hear

Some Flight Announcements You Might Not Want To Hear

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2008, 08:38:45 am »

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"  "That's Mother Teresa's.  The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.  The hands have moved twice,  telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. 

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.  He's using it as a ceiling fan!"





With Tiger
 
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn





Very Brave Men

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

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« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2008, 08:42:50 am »

Calling All Pilots


The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"






Put Downs

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
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« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2008, 08:45:28 am »

Stomach Complaint

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.





Pending Divorce


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
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« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2008, 08:47:50 am »

Bad Gums



There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."

The boy listened intently to his father's advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.




Blind Lumber Man



A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.

The boss didn't want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he'd hire him.

He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, "How did he do that?"

Next he took him to a pile of 2x4's. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.

They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.

The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.

Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said "You think you've got me, don't you? Well I know what that is.

That's the **** house door off of a tuna boat!
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« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2008, 12:02:11 am »

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
 

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those **** heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1.   My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.




Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...


10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.

9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"

7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

3. Offer your "services" to all guests.

2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

1. Insist on a pants-free environment.

4. Can you believe it! Those **** heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2008, 12:05:33 am »

TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN


1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% ****. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you
can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date..






Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

 
10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?.

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« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2008, 12:08:42 am »

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home...


1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."




Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...

 
1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your ****.

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« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2008, 12:12:15 am »

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...

 
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.

1. Lipstick on the mouse.




Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...


10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where  you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2008, 12:15:46 am »

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...


10. Everyone around you has an attitude  problem.

9. You're adding chocolate  chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-****."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1.  The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.






TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

 

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.




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« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2008, 12:17:55 am »

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...


10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN





TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A **** FOR A DAY
 

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

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« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2008, 12:23:01 am »

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A **** FOR A DAY...


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an **** to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......




TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

 
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!




TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

 
10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

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« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2008, 05:03:34 am »

Things to Ponder
 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin
with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a project, I
end it?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?

Why is a procrastinator's work never done?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you
will have to touch it to be sure?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's
much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?"
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« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2008, 05:05:50 am »

Greek Holiday

 
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
 
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
 
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She members the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.  On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia.
 
"Melbourne", he tells her.
 
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
 
"Glen Iris" he replies.
 
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I Ė what  street?"
 
"Cameo Street" he replies.
 
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering.
 
"What number?"
 
"Number 20", he replies.
 
She is totally astonished.
 
"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
 
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
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