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caskurô
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« on: November 01, 2008, 11:11:10 am »

Husband store

Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."





Barking vs yelling

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Scientific Study

Scientific Study (Very interesting)

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his arse.
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« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2008, 11:13:35 am »

The Eskimo

An eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,"Look's like you just blew a seal."

To which the eskimo replied,"No, that's just frost on my mustache."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Give up drugs

Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your **** before prison..... and (pointing to the large circle) this is your **** after prison




STRIP JOINT

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"



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« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2008, 11:15:23 am »

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart:
I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an ****.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off>
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« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2008, 11:28:42 am »

CHINESE TORTURE

Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single.

One night I KUM went to see is friend NO KUM. Upon arriving at NO KUM'S home, I KUM found out that NO KUM was not at home. NO KUM'S wife, NO KUM TU, invited I KUM to stay the night with her. That night NO KUM TU came which

gave I KUM great pleasure as I KUM came too.

After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father, but NO KUM didn't know how come. When the little child was born, NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM.

But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came. To this day NO KUM doesn't know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came.



Pending Divorce


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."



Mother in law dies


A man, his wife, and his mother in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2008, 11:31:13 am »

The Hippy and the Nun

by Nuno Crispim

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat.
The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.

The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next
stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,"if
you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray
to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the
bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex
with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun.  And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in
robes and glowing with a mask of god.  "I am God, I have heard your prayers
and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The
hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"




Non-Biblical proverbs

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like ... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Statistics prove that 50% of all people are below average.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; sometimes I just let her sleep.
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« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2008, 11:34:04 am »

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"




Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn't check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, "It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."




One day, a blonde went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde was angry.

     Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
     The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."
     The blonde screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"




I love blonde jokes.  Grin
 
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
     Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
     Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
     The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
     The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
     "Comfortable?" the guy questions.
     "Yes, you see she reads slow."
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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2008, 11:35:19 am »

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

      The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

      A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
      "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2008, 11:47:49 am »

Finding Jesus

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"




One Last Meal

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

"Give me the best French wine and French bread," he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn.

"Give me a great big plate of pasta," said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn.

"I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"

"No? OK, so I'll wait..."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biblical Love

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''
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« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2008, 11:49:54 am »

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"




New Bull

On one sunny afternoon in a farm there are three bulls - elder, middle-aged, and a young - talking to each other about a new bull moving-in to their farm.

"I'm here in this farm for more than 50 years now. And I earned my rights to have 50 cows during the years. I'm not sharing one of my cows with that new bull coming-in." grumbled by the elder bull.

"I've been here for 30 years and I earned my rights to own 30 cows and I don't neither desire to give any of my cows with that new bull." growled the middle-aged bull.

"I only been here for 10 years and I know I earned my 10 cows as much as you guys do. I will not give even a single of my cow." says the young bull.

Suddenly, a huge steel-container truck came by. Inside is the new bull they are discussing about. It's the biggest son-of-another-bull they've been seen in their whole life.Every step it took shake the whole ground.

"Well, I've been here for quite some time now. It doesn't hurt a bit to give some of my cows with our new guy." exclaimed by the elder bull.

"I'm a friendly bull, perhaps I can give some of my cows with our guy for a welcome present." told by the middle-aged bull.

The young bull was shaking his horns, puffing, and all as if ready for some deadly fight.

The elder bull said, "My son, let me give you quick advice, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The young bull replies "Heck, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."



A Few Short Red Neck Jokes:


How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2008, 11:53:50 am »

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?




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u might be a red neck if u belch and fart after a good meal rather than say your compliments to the chef

u might be a red neck if u have 20 cars that don't work and a mobile home

u might be a red neck if u mow your yard and find a car

u might be a red neck if u think golf is when u try to hit the ball up your neighbors hole

u might be a red neck if one of your family members has died after saying "watch this"

u might be a red neck if u let your 13 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER kids

u might be a red neck if think foot ball is kicking someone in the balls



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said,

"The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed






Quote
Everyone knows that jokes are difficult to copyright. Here is a real deal for both of us. If you use one of my jokes on your web site please add this at the bottom of the joke:

Please pass this Jokes Site location on to your friends: www.spruance.com/allcategories.htm
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Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com
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« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2008, 11:58:00 am »

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."
The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three."
As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was
rigged."
The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week."


IRS Payment..........   


Dear IRS:

Enclosed are my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the
attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will
see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid
$600.00 for a toilet seat.

Enclosed please find four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers
(value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the
overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned
fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article: HUD paid $22.00 for a
1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon
and "screwdrivers."

Sincerely,

I. Getscrewed Everyear



Damn Ham   


Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a butcher shop and asked
the butcher what the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."
She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs. "HOW DARE YOU
SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!"
~
The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, "Oh, no
ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'"
She bought one of the hams.
Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and
asked his wife what it was.
She replied that it was the "damn ham."
He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs.
~
"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!" She was also taken
back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."
~
At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they,
too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher)
said that it was the "damn ham." Their son was quite happy with this. In
fact he said, "That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the f**king potatoes."



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."




Once upon a time a Blonde was hard up for money. 
She was too much of a blonde to think of something logical to do,
so she decided to kidnap a child for ransom.

So the next day she went to a nearby playground and when nobody was looking, she pulled a random kid behind a tree and said, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stood there in shock. The Blonde then pulled out a note that read:

"I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else."

She handed the note to the kid and told him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde found the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag was a little note that read:

"Here is the money.  How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"



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« Reply #11 on: November 01, 2008, 12:00:08 pm »

Identifying wasted time
   

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
    FROM: ACCOUNTING
     
    It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
     
    Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
     
    The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
     
    Thank you,
    Accounting
     
    Attached: Extended Job-Code List
    Code and Explanation
    5316 Useless Meeting
     
    5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
     
    5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
     
    5319 Waiting for Break
     
    5320 Waiting for Lunch
     
    5321 Waiting for End of Day
     
    5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
     
    5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
     
    5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
     
    5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
     
    5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
     
    5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
     
    5481 Buying Snack
     
    5482 Eating Snack
     
    5500 Filling Out Timesheet
     
    5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
     
    5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
     
    5503 Scratching Yourself
     
    5504 Sleeping
     
    5510 Feeling Bored
     
    5511 Feeling ****
     
    5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
     
    5601 Complaining About Low Pay
     
    5602 Complaining About Long Hours
     
    5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
     
    5604 Complaining About Boss
     
    5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
     
    5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
     
    5701 Not Actually Present At Job
     
    5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
     
    6102 Ordering Out
     
    6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
     
    6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
     
    6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
     
    6201 Stealing Company Goods
     
    6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
     
    6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
     
    6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
     
    6205 Hiding from Boss
     
    6206 Gossip
     
    6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
     
    6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
     
    6211 Updating Resume
     
    6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
     
    6213 Out of Office on Interview
     
    6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
     
    6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
     
    6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
     
    6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
     
    6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
     
    6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
     
    6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
     
    6602 Complaining
     
    6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
     
    6611 Staring Into Space
     
    6612 Staring At Computer Screen
     
    6615 Transcendental Meditation
     
    7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
     
    7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
     
    7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
     
    7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
     
    7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
     
    7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
     
    7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
     
    7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
     
    7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
     
    7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
     
    7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
     
    8000 Recreational Drug Use
     
    8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
     
    8002 Liquid Lunch
     
    8100 Reading e-mail
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« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2008, 11:20:24 am »

Haunted from the grave

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."







Valentines Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my ****.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm ****!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

 
 




Bad Luck


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."


 
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« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2008, 11:32:23 am »


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."






A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
 
 




Empire State

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."


 
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« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2008, 11:36:17 am »


A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to
Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother
and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why dont
big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer)
told her son to ask the flight attendant.
 
So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why dont big planes have baby planes?" The flight
attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted
that this was the case.
 
Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin
Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you"






Curing The Blind

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."

So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.

The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."

So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."

To which the mother replied, "April fool!" 
 




Perfect Revenge

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."


 
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