caskur™
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« on: October 29, 2008, 11:50:01 pm » |
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any".
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
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Male Wedding Plans,
What would it be like if men were put in charge of organizing weddings?
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her arse.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
Invitations would read as follows...
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) Knocked her up B) Couldn't get a different roommate or C) Caved in to her ultimatum... Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... BYOB!
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Cucumbers V's Men
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. 2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 4. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety. 6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. 7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber. 10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie. 12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat. 13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home. 14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds. 15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival. 16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?". 17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. 18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 21. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache. 23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is. 24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet. 25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent. 26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry. 27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends. 28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab". 29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind. 30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind. 31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist. 32. ...take you to confession. 33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore. 35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away. 37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink. 38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season. 40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car. 41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor. 42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest. 44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray. 45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. 46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 47. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups. 48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on. 49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts. 50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?" 54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser. 55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group. 56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one. 59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over. 61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey. 64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot. 65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold. 70. Cucumbers don't count to 10. 71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair. 72. A cucumber will never leave you ... for another woman. 73. ...for another man. 74. ...for another cucumber. 75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman. 76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy. 77. You always know where a cucumber has been. 78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises. 80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... is married. 83. ...is on penicillin. 84. ...likes you - but loves your brother. 85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. 86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R. 87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion. 88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party. 90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve. 91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit. 92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family. 94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School. 95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". 98. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 99. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
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