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Just Kidding


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caskurô
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« on: October 29, 2008, 11:40:08 pm »
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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink ****.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink **** also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached! the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2008, 11:41:29 pm »
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One Wrong Question


Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why

You gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'




Mother in law in Jerusalem



George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law.
 
  During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.
 
  With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
 
  The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars".
 
  George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do."
 
  The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars."
 
  "No, it's not that," says George.
  "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"

********************************************************

The hearse and the dog

A man was walking back home when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
 
  A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking with a dog. Behind that were 200 men walking in a single file.
 
  He respectfully approached the man walking with the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"
 
  The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife. My dog attacked and killed her."
 
  He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
 
  The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
 
  After a moment of silence he asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
 
  The man with the dog replied,
  "Get in line."
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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2008, 11:42:43 pm »
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Lottery Winner

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"




Throw the money in my grave


An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.
 
  1. His Doctor
  2. His Priest
  3. His Lawyer
 
  " Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."
 
  Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."
 
  The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."
 
  Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."


********************************************************

Lawyers left hand

One day, there was a lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues.
 
  When all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of no where and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
 
  "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
 
  Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
 
  "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your LEFT ARM is missing did you?" the cop said.
 
  The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2008, 11:44:18 pm »
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Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.


************************************************


Dead comes to courtroom


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
 
  "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
 
  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
 
  Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
 
  With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
 
  "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
 
  "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"


******************************************************

Making fried eggs


A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
 
  "Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
 
  The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
 
  The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2008, 11:45:39 pm »
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No Longer Privates

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a **** comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"


************************************************************


Old man and the wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
 
  The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
 
  The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


*************************************************************

Men that dominated their women


When the end of the world came, everybody on earth went to heaven.
 
  God said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
 
  With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
 
  God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
 
  And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2008, 11:47:10 pm »
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Hospital Charts
 
Actual writings on hospital charts:
 
   
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 

 
 A boy ran into his teacher's classroom and said "Mr. Jones someone stole your car."
The teacher asked, "Did you see who stole it?"
The boy replied, "No, but I got the license plate number."
 

 
I was driving down the road the other day when I came across a woman driver with her hazard lights on. As a gentalman that I am, I stopped to give assistance. I asked the woman what was wrong. She replied, I'm trying to change the wheel, it is flat. I said "It is meant to be flat, That is what is known as a steering wheel".


************************************************************

GOD gives Adam a Companion


God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said, "I've got nobody to talk to."
 
  God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
 
  God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
 
  Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"
 
  God replied, "An arm and a leg."
 
  Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
 
  The rest is history.....


***************************************************

Me and my Wife

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2008, 11:48:34 pm »
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Best


Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"

Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
 
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."

Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"

"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!"


****************************************************


Car speeding at 120 mph


A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!
 
  The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"
 
  The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."
 
  The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
 
  The man replied, "I don't have one officer."
 
  "Of course you do," said the policeman.
 
  "No sir, I don't," said the man.
 
  "So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
 
  "This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
 
  "You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
 
  "Yes I'm afraid so sir,"
 
  Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."
 
  The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."
 
  "Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.
 
  "So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"
 
  "Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
 
  "Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"
 
  "Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
 
  "Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Donít move, donít even breathe."
 
  So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"
 
  He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.
 
  "I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.
 
  "Iíll be right there," said the chief.
 
  In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.
 
  The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?"
 
  "Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
 
  Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"
 
  "Yes," said the man.
 
  "Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.
 
  The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
 
  "Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.
 
  "Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."
 
  "I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."
 
  "Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.
 
  "Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."
 
  "Yes," said the man,
 
  "And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.
 
  "BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"
 
  "Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."
 
  "The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding as well!"


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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2008, 11:50:01 pm »
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any".

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."


***************************************************************

Male Wedding Plans

What would it be like if men were put in charge of organizing weddings?

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her arse.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follows...

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

*******************************************

Cucumbers V's Men 

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
99. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.






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« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2008, 11:51:03 pm »
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Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
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« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2008, 01:26:10 am »
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Best


Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"

Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
 
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."

Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"

"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!"


************************************************************


Control over their wife


There were three guys talking in the pub.
 
  Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
 
  After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?".
 
  The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
 
  The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
 
  He replied, "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."


******************************************************

Fathers Intelligence


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
 
  The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."


 
Calling with Pet Names

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
 
  His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
 
  The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name.


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« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2008, 01:41:28 am »
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There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you."

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".

"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection?"



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