Omnia's Joke Thread

You Might Be A Redneck If...

. . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.

. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.

. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.

. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you think paprika is a Third World.

. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”

. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.

. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.

. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.

. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.

. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.

. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.

. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

AN ENGLISHMAN, A NEW ZEALANDER, AND A MAORI

THERE WAS A ENGLISHMAN, A NEW ZEALANDER AND A MAORI ON A PLANE AND IT WAS TO HEAVY SO THE ENGLISH THREW OFF A BOX OF PEARS, THE NEW ZEALANDER THREW OFF A BOX OF APPLES AND THE MAORI THREW OFF A BOMB.

NOW WHEN THE ENGLISH GOT HOME HIS MUM WAS CRYING."WHY ARE YOU CRYING" HE SAID. "CAUSE DAD GOT HIT OVER THE HEAD BY A BOX OF FLYING PEARS AND DIED.

NOW WHEN THE NEW ZEALANDER GOT HOME HIS MUM WAS CRYING."WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" HE SAID. "CAUSE DAD GOT HIT OVER THE HEAD BY A FLYING BOX OF APPLES AND DIED AND WHEN THE MOARI GOT HOME HIS WAS LAUGHING AND HE SAID MUM WHY YA LAUGHING BRO? "BECAUSE DAD FARTED AND BLEW UP THE HOUSE......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Maori fella walks into a Dairy...

Maori fella called Ug_troll walks into a dairy and asks for a tin of cat food. Indian dairy owner says "Oh no - I am hearing about you Maori fellows and how you put cat food into pastry and call it meat pie. Please bring cat into shop for me to see and you can have cat food". Maori fella Ug_Troll says "oh man, I don't even know where the cat is right now - probably chasing birds." Indian dairy owner says "No cat, no cat food".

Maori fella Ug_Troll sulks away from shop. Same guy comes in a week later and asks for a tin of dog food for his dog. Indian dairy owner gives him the same run down, "No dog - no doggy food'. Maori Ug_Troll fella is really upset and storms off. He comes back a couple of days later with a big plastic bag and slams it on the counter.

The dairy owner says "Oh what is this being please" and opens the bag and is overcome by the foul stench which from the now open bag. Maori Ug_Troll fellah says, "It's a bag of **** man, I want some toilet rolls!"