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Omnia's Joke Thread


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caskur™
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« on: October 29, 2008, 11:19:46 pm »
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Due to a idiot such as myself, I made a huge mistake removing Omnia's joke thread instead of moving it.

Well, I have them all cached on another browser but cannot move them now except manually and that doesn't give the author of the topic/post the credit....Omnia, if you would be so kind as to start another thread and sticky it. I would appreciate that.

Omnia's first joke was .....



*****************
2 monkeys in a bath.
One says to the other "ooo ooo ahhhh ahhh ahhh."
The other says "Welll put some cold in!"

 
Two cows in a field. one says to the other "mooooooooooooo."
The other cow says, "Fuckin hell, I was just about to say that!"

LOL!

Ah, 'tis tha way ah tell 'em! 


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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2008, 11:22:14 pm »
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A city boy Prowler was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the fool his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy Prowler headed off and soon after saw a Flea bitten goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the fool didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy ****, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the Prowler the boy from the City.

"Oh, ****!" said the farmer. "You've shot the parasite!"
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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2008, 11:23:27 pm »
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant,
and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand!
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"





A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

(I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)




Some of the lesser known, new phobias...

 "Hey, this is a **** beach. I ain't getting in that cold water!" - Shrinkaphobia

"Get that **** vodka bottle away from me!!" - Carmenelectraphobia

"He's coming straight for us -- with his left turn signal on!" - Oldfartophobia

"You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" - Windophobia

"No! Don't call the plumber!!!" - Buttcrackaphobia

"No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out." - Phoebephobia

"Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" - Probeophobia

"You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" ~ Rentanotherpornophobia   
 
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2008, 11:26:25 pm »
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You Might Be A Redneck If...

 . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.

. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.

. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.

. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you think paprika is a Third World.

. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”

. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.

. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.

. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.

. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.

. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.

. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.

. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.




AN  ENGLISHMAN,  A NEW ZEALANDER,  AND A MAORI


THERE WAS A ENGLISHMAN, A NEW ZEALANDER AND A MAORI ON A PLANE AND IT WAS TO HEAVY SO THE ENGLISH THREW OFF A BOX OF PEARS, THE NEW ZEALANDER THREW OFF A BOX OF APPLES AND THE MAORI THREW OFF A BOMB.

NOW WHEN THE ENGLISH GOT HOME HIS MUM WAS CRYING."WHY ARE YOU CRYING" HE SAID. "CAUSE DAD GOT HIT OVER THE HEAD BY A BOX OF FLYING PEARS AND DIED.

NOW WHEN THE NEW ZEALANDER GOT HOME HIS MUM WAS CRYING."WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" HE SAID. "CAUSE DAD GOT HIT OVER THE HEAD BY A FLYING BOX OF APPLES AND DIED AND WHEN THE MOARI GOT HOME HIS WAS LAUGHING AND HE SAID MUM WHY YA LAUGHING BRO? "BECAUSE DAD FARTED AND BLEW UP THE HOUSE......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maori fella walks into a Dairy...


Maori fella called Ug_troll  walks into a dairy and asks for a tin of cat food. Indian dairy owner says "Oh no - I am hearing about you Maori fellows and how you put cat food into pastry and call it meat pie. Please bring cat into shop for me to see and you can have cat food". Maori fella Ug_Troll says "oh man, I don't even know where the cat is right now - probably chasing birds." Indian dairy owner says "No cat, no cat food".

Maori fella Ug_Troll sulks away from shop. Same guy comes in a week later and asks for a tin of dog food for his dog. Indian dairy owner gives him the same run down, "No dog - no doggy food'. Maori Ug_Troll fella is really upset and storms off. He comes back a couple of days later with a big plastic bag and slams it on the counter.

The dairy owner says "Oh what is this being please" and opens the bag and is overcome by the foul stench which from the now open bag. Maori  Ug_Troll fellah says, "It's a bag of **** man, I want some toilet rolls!"
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2008, 11:27:35 pm »
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"I'm doing this for my country"

One day there was a Maori, Aussie, Kiwi and a African man. They were on a plane. Then the pilot from up front shouted back, "We are losing height. Throw out all the luggage."

So, all the men threw out all the luggage. Then the pilot said, "We are still dropping in height!"

So the African said, "I'm doing this for my country" and then he jumped out the window.

Then the Maori said, "I'm doing this for my country" and he jumped out the window.

Then the Kiwi said, "I'm doing this for my country" and then he pushed the Aussie out the door.
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2008, 11:28:36 pm »
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Question:

What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?




answer:

Her navel
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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2008, 11:29:48 pm »
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by SoothSayer

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise.

He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?”

The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire!”
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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2008, 11:30:35 pm »
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

 

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
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« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2008, 11:33:22 pm »
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Q. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

A."Do you believe in people?"



Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray...


kids joke?

Did you put those here caskur so troll could understand them?


 :

Where are the dirty adult jokes?





Revenge

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep
of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the
girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby- sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will
take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"
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« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2008, 07:54:34 am »
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An aircraft took off from an airport in Africa, an hour into the flight the captain warned that there was an emergency, a need the lighten the load, and as the cargo was little people were needed to agree to jump.

Nobody came forward.

The captain suggested alphabetical.

All people who are of origen A come forward = African

None answered.

All people with origen B come forward - Black

None answered

All peeople with origen C come forward = Coloured

A little black boy said to his father, "we are black, why are you silent?"

Father replied "son, today we are Z = Zulu




How the fight started:

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work.

I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it.... he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said 'I'm NOT f*#%ing happy!'

So I said 'Well, which one are you f*#%ing then?'

And that's how the fight started......


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« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2008, 12:47:10 pm »
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thank you  Grin
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« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2009, 06:56:24 pm »
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Hillary Clinton's Horse-Thief Ancestor- Fiction!

Summary of Erumor:   
This email claims that Hillary Clinton is a genealogy enthusiast and discovered an ancestor who was hanged as a horse thief and bank robber in 1889.  It was her great-great uncle Remus Rodham.  The only picture of him was one of him standing on the gallows just before he was hung and had an inscription on the back describing his crimes, capture, and execution.  When the account of great-great Uncle Remus was placed into Hillary's family history, however, the picture was cropped to just a head shot of Remus along with a sanitized version of his story that was expertly created by Hilllary's image-makers.



The Truth: 
This is not true just like it was not true about Harry Reid, Al Gore or George W. Bush.  The essence of this story is from an old piece of humorous writing that was designed to demonstrate how you can put "spin" on a negative story to make it sound positive.  Someone altered the story to make it seem as though it was talking about an ancestor of Al Gore.  Then another version got started saying it was about an ancestor of Hillary Clinton.  Now there is a version making the rounds saying it is about George W. Bush.


A real example of the story as it has been circulated:


modifying family history
It's all in the way you present it:

Hillary, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

In Hillary's Family History, her staff of professional image consultants, cropped Remus's picture, scanned it in as an enlarged image, and edited with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


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« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2009, 11:48:56 am »
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Men ... Got to love them!!
 
 
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said to me . .. ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me.. ....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.


He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . .. They already have boyfriends.

I said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.


He said to me .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . .. . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Spanky McHammer
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« Reply #13 on: August 18, 2009, 06:39:39 pm »
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Sure the post was "accidentally" deleted. 

Sure it was.
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« Reply #14 on: August 18, 2009, 08:45:02 pm »
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Sure the post was "accidentally" deleted. 

Sure it was.

try looking in the rubbish bin retardo!
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