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My attempt at poetry


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Author Topic: My attempt at poetry  (Read 158 times)
Cool Hand
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« on: June 19, 2008, 04:34:06 pm »
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She wanted me
Oh she wanted me,
I walked into her
Striking eyes,
She flirted with everyone,
While still looking at me,
She wiggled.she pranced,
She smouldered.

We danced,
Exchanged scents,
Perspirations mingled,
Lips parted for
A probing French Kiss,
"You can have me anytime"
She wispered,your nice.

Id had enough of the chase
Went to bed,
Rolled a joint,
striped naked,
And stood gazing
at the Pale moon Rising.
Just like me.

I waited .
i knew she would come,
door tapped.
she peeped inside,
smelt my smoke,
and said slyly:
ill have some of that!
And some of you
for my dessert!!
Not a problem" said I.
As I ran for
the unlocked door
Forgetting I was naked
And at half mast,

Door locked.
no Formalities.
Mini skirt. over Her head,
Burying my head.
Tasted sweet.un washed,
Back arched,
Legs eagle spread,
she took me.
she took me,
my lance buried ,
in her cold cement,
like Excalibur'
One thrust.
She took me.

I took Her,in the shower,
Then we lit a fire,
Of hidden desires,
We didnt sleep till
Sun up,till sunrise.
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Voltage
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« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2008, 10:44:38 am »
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This is crap.
But I'll come back later and read through it again.
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Voltage
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« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2008, 02:20:36 pm »
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Nah, it's still crap.
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caskur
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« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2008, 07:01:15 pm »
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I thought it hinted at eroticism.

 Shocked
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Omnia
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« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2008, 05:52:25 am »
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The capital R in the "full moon Rising" is immensely Irritating, don't you Think, on Reflection?
It makes me search the cliché for some hidden Meaning even though I'm certain there is None there.

When she whispered "your nice" was she referring to your ownership of the town in the South of France, or the biscuit?

In what way was it sly for her to ask to share your joint, and what was a joint like that doing in a girl like her?

Why didn’t you dump her the second she said she would have you for dessert, that's a  cold shower line, to be sure.

Why were you only half mast? You had apparently been imitating the moon Rising seconds before, then in walks this dirty skank looking for lurrrrve but you still have a 50% discount on a real man.

How comes she takes her mini-skirt off over her head?
First of all keep it on, far more fun, secondly skirts go down - much quicker, more tantalising, and it won't get tangled in her hair. Or is she bald?

In what way did she take you?  She's got her legs spread like some big bird and you take her. Or was it you with your legs spread?

What the hell is her "cold cement".
 Is this a dig at her baldness? Or are you confusing it with her "wet cement" that beautiful and moving description of a woman's intimate excitement?

Are you still going out with her?
 Does she take her trousers off over her head as well?

O ~
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Cool Hand
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« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2008, 12:43:40 pm »
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i don;t mind m,y posts told it's crap
at least it's an honest reply.
But  YOU had no need to rip it apart line by line
and make me look and feel about two inches.

 
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caskur
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« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2008, 02:11:52 pm »
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I like the poem but I also thought Omnia's critique was funny...like this comment;




How comes she takes her mini-skirt off over her head?
First of all keep it on, far more fun, secondly skirts go down - much quicker, more tantalising, and it won't get tangled in her hair. Or is she bald?



 Grin
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Damion Hellstrom
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« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2008, 04:54:48 pm »
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i don;t mind m,y posts told it's crap
at least it's an honest reply.
But  YOU had no need to rip it apart line by line
and make me look and feel about two inches.

 

One thing about being an author..you have to get used to criticism.  Even if it's brutal criticism.
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Omnia
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« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2008, 05:33:35 pm »
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Cool Hand, getting all hot and bothered  wrote:

Quote
make me look and feel about two inches.


Quick question . . . would the "two inches"  be considered  half or full mast?

 Grin


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