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Tiger Woods


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caskur™
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« on: December 11, 2009, 08:23:05 am »
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 From SFGate.com

Tiger Woods must die

The sooner he flames out completely, the sooner he shall rise again

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist | Friday, December 11, 2009



LEFT: So many holes, so little time, eh Tiger? — Photo: Jamie Squire/Getty Images.

RIGHT: You'd react dramatically too if your Official Skank Accuser Count had entered well
into double digits, and showed no signs of slowing. — Photo: Chris O'Meara/Associated Press.


I find I am, almost against my will, utterly delighted by the Tiger Woods crash-and-burn who-woulda-thunk ****-of-the-week pornstars-n-skanks flameout shockfest circus funhouse megaspectacle.

It was not a quick realization. Fact is, I have never once cared the slightest bit about Tiger Woods or anything he has ever done, represented, embodied. I have zero interest in golf, don't care for insipid multimillionaire celebrity endorsements, gated Florida mansions or blinged-out Cadillac Escalades, and I have never once found myself remotely enchanted or bedazzled by anything Woods has said or done, largely due to the fact he doesn't appear to have much of a discernable personality or any spiritual fire to speak of, and his sole accomplishment seems to be making a mountain of cash by playing one of the world's most boring, nonathletic sports exceptionally well.

But never mind any of that now. Tiger has transformed. Tiger has transcended. He is right now entering another glorious, rarified realm, a unique strata of American iconography, that of the fallen hero, the broken god, the disgraced saint soon be abhorred and mocked by millions, only to be — and you may take my word for this right now — loved and adored again in about, oh, I'd say two years and change. Maybe less. Just you watch.

It's the same old story, really. Woods is now in the midst of nothing less than a classic, time-honored pattern that just might be one of our nation's finest, most insidious inventions of all time.

Do you know this pattern? I bet you do. It's the same one that's been followed, with varying success, by all sorts of rock stars, supermodels, actors, athletes, pastors and politicians since George Washington was caught indulging his gay fetishes in an opium den in Paris. It's a blueprint that appears to work best in a ruthless capitalist system, not only because this is where wealth, power and ego can explode out of scale so quickly, but because capitalism gave birth to the damn thing in the first place.

It goes something like this: Above-average human with just the right mix of talent/timing achieves massive success in a particular pop cultural arena, largely based on the blind love of millions who, through relentless marketing and media hype, have come to see him/her as a true icon, a symbol of faultless morals and righteousness, the poster child for the American Dream — even though the American Dream doesn't really exist, and it never really did.

Said blessed human goes on to enjoy an impressive, even stellar, career, sets records, makes blockbusters, appears in every magazine or cereal box known to man, becomes a brand, dines with the president, marries a supermodel/shipping tycoon, has God on speed-dial, earns influence and power far exceeding his/her actual domain/sport/category. All seems beautiful, ideal, bulletproof.

Then, the magic happens.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a crack appears. A dire mistake is made. An Escalade crashes into a tree, a line of **** is snorted near a paparazzi's hungry camera, a random drug test comes back positive for steroids, a gay prostitute proves he's had frequent meth-addled sex with a powerful homophobic televangelist Christian nutball. You know: same ol', same ol'.

You know what happens next. All sorts of delightful pop culture hell breaks loose. Celebrity has spectacular flameout, reveals self to be far more debauched, wicked, strange, stupid than gullible fans and followers ever wanted to believe.

Ensuing meltdown makes massive headlines as celeb loses product endorsements by the millions, is shunned by former community/fanbase, makes children cry, becomes instant pariah/punchline for wary and jaded nation, the poster child for How It All Can Go Oh So Frightfully Wrong.

As we're beginning to see right now, the force of this negative backlash can be downright shocking. Americans hate to feel like they've been duped, even if they willingly helped co-create the saccharine lie from day one. What's more, unbeknownst to the celeb, all that support and love they had in the beginning often morphs into quiet, seething resentment, over time. It's just waiting to be ignited, uncorked, tabloided straight to hell.

Enter Tiger Woods, the bland, clean-cut Buick spokesman and nice-guy family man, who is turning out to be just an incredibly offensive, adulterous ****, a Vegas-hopping, ****-hoarding, waitress-nailing, cover-up money-giving, skank-loving, cheating whorebag of fun, a guy with absolutely awful taste in women but excellent skills at sleazy duplicitousness, hereby fully earning the crown as the new American pariah. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Oh, but wait. We're not even to the best part yet. Because, as I mentioned, I am hereby predicting, based on the Great Pattern o' Fame mentioned above, a relatively quick turnaround for poor Tiger.

I am confidently suggesting that Woods will crash, burn, be stomped into seemingly cultural oblivion in the coming months, only to rise again. It's virtually guaranteed. Unless Woods is revealed to have murdered a few hookers in Vegas or says something in a public microphone about his love of dog fighting and watching gay **** with Glenn Beck, his rosy future is a lock. Well, maybe.

Look, if there's one thing we love more than discovering new heroes and building them into overpaid royalty, it's tearing them down again, just so we can watch them fall from grace like a lunatic taking a swan dive from the Empire State Building.

But even more than that, we really love it when they defy the odds and later rise again, when their former transgressions — especially sexual transgressions, hey we're all sinners right? wink wink — somehow magically turn into a charming defect, an appealing foible. All it takes is a clever agent to re-cast Woods as a reformed sinner, a misunderstood bad-boy with a heart of gold. Let him win a few big tournaments and donate all the proceeds to the Las Vegas Skank Rehabilitation Fund, and he's all set.

So take heart, Tiger. Yes, it's about to get far, far worse. Yes, you will be America's punchline for many months to come. But take it from, say, Kate Moss, whose career flameout was truly epic just a few years ago. She lost hundreds of millions in endorsements and couldn't get a modeling gig to save her life after she was photographed doing a line of blow in a dressing room. But not a year later, she re-merged as the highest paid model in the world, more powerful and sought-after than ever, in large part thanks to her "bad girl" image.

So play your transgressions right, Tiger, and they might just become, in the mangled gears of the American celebrity machine, a sublime asset. Your trespasses will be forgiven, your star repolished, your image reborn, your giant suitcase full of condoms replenished. Soon enough, you will again have all lame car endorsements, ugly sweaters, and slutty party-girl waitresses you can handle. God bless America.


______________________________________



Mark Morford's column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SFGate. Contact him here.

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http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2009/12/11/notes121109.DTL
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caskur™
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« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2009, 01:15:48 pm »
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that phrase, "sex addiction" is a sham. Guys his age and fitness want and get sex everyday when they’re married and that is my experience….

What we have here isn’t a sex addict but a serial adulterer.
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